I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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