ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
