Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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