Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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