I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
