Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
