His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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