Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
