I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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