When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
