I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
FUCK WHALES
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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