his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
