ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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