and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
