Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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