She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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