i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
