I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
