a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
