Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
