Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
