so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
