how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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