Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
