Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
