my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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