there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
