someone get that fucking seahorse.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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