thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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