it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
