I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
