Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
