Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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