I want to make a zoo with you.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
