Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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