so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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