I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
