guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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