He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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