I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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