So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
