My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
