I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
