if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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