so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
