I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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