Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
