I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He literally asked permission to hit on me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
