just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
porn star boner night. come get it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
