why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
